Even if it isn’t… I like it.
Even if it isn’t… I like it.
It happened again. I talked to a very close friend which didn’t know I was gay. She lives far and we mainly communicate on Facebook chat so since I haven’t seen her in person in a while I didn’t see the opportunity presenting itself. I’ve been wanting to tell her, mainly because I have come out to my closest friends. There was a little fear of telling her, it could have been because she’s a Christian withe beliefs I know too well, or maybe the fact that… I was her Youth pastor.
The few minutes before coming out to someone are always the same for me. A little bit of fear, a little bit of excitement, a lot of thoughts running through my head. What if she rejects me? What if this hinders the love we have for each other? What if this creates a barrier to our friendship? What will she say? What will I respond?
And there I went with my common line to my Christian friends. I love Jesus and I like guys. No response. The little green light on Facebook next to her name was still on. But nothing. Thirty seconds passed. A minute. My brain started racing to what could be happening… and then Boom!
Her response was literally this: OooooooMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
A smile, a sigh of relief, followed by a very nice conversation. It’s like I had told her I just bought her a new dress or as if I had complimented her hair. It usually goes like these: This is who I am, this is how I feel, she is happy for me, she loves me and then we talk about cute guys. Win-Win.
I really consider myself a very optimistic person but my mind plays tricks on me when I’m coming out to someone I care for. It has never been as bad as I thought, actually all of these stories have been great, well except for one. But I’ll write about that one later.
Have fun and remember most things that make us anxious or distraught never end up happening the horrible way our brain tricks us to believe they will.
It’s after midnight and after some reading I felt ready to sleep. Before dozing off I uttered a quick prayer: “God, help me be the best man I can be”. I know that many people would have different interpretations of this. Some may think that I want to be made straight and live a “normal” life. To me, it’s just knowing that I have a purpose. There is a plan set in motion for me even before I was born and I want to fulfill my mission, whatever it is.
I don’t want to be what others say that I should be. I don’t want to be numbered under those that don’t care for the well being of others. I want my life and the actions in it to count. I want love to be heavier and more violent than judgement or hate. I want others to encounter God the way I have. A way so strong that being gay has not tarnished it in the least. I want love to be my motivation. I don’t want the crazy life, I tried it and it just isn’t for me. I want meaning, I want to help others know that they are valued beyond measure and their pain has not gone unnoticed and there are people who care.
I want to be the best man I can be.
In the many years that I struggled with being gay and Christian one of my biggest fears was having a “straight” future. You see, I have been in relationships with girls, with one of those girls I thought I was going to end up getting married and having cute little babies. When I was with my girlfriends I felt good, I felt like things were going to work. I liked and enjoyed the experiencience, the kissing and all that. But there was a little problem, when I wasn’t with them, whenever I got home I would think of guys. Even though I enjoyed my time with them, it was hard for me to see myself being intimate with a girl. I know life is not all about sex, but it is hard to be with someone knowing that you are not sexually attracted to them, therefore will never to satisfy them or be satisfied in the future. So, my longest relationship, which went on for a couple of years ended for some other reasons.
The next relationship didn’t last long, because my struggle in knowing who I was got stronger. I could not handle the thought of being someone’s husband, promising to give them my all when that was obviously not gonna happen. There was a big disconnection. We stayed as friends, the first few months were difficult, she was upset, because, well I was quite the catch. Kidding. But, remember I’m gay, so I was very into details, giving her surprises and stuff. That works. I kept in communication with her even though her husband is not too fond of me. A few months ago I had the talk with her. I, again, told her I am sorry for how the things went down. Then I came out, I told her that I was gay and I just couldn’t stay in that relationship. I would rather have her suffer a little by breaking up than get into a marriage of pain that most likely would end in disaster. She was incredibly happy for me. Her reaction really touched my heart.
Here is my thing. I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t get married to a girl, promise to love her and give her everything, because I know that I am attracted to men and sooner or later, that is gonna creep up. I am not okay with the thought of being with her and all of a sudden discovering that she is not what I want, destroying her and maybe even children if there were any.
Christian culture wants me to get married soon. My Christian friends, that still don’t know I’m gay, ask me all the time if I have a girlfriend. I don’t and never will have one. Been there, done that. I love and respect women and this is my way of honoring them, hopefully my friends will find men that will respect them and give them the love that they deserve. Oh well, hopefully I will find one like that too.
You wouldn’t believe how many of my conversations started like that when I started coming out to my close friends. I always felt that I need to reinforce the fact that I am still a Christian when telling them that I am gay. This comes mostly from the fact that most people think that those two go together like water and oil. I personally was one of those. A few years back, the thought of being openly gay, in my head, meant that I had to forsake God and everything I believed. I am very glad that, personally, I came to a place of peace with who I am. It surely is a tough pill to swallow for most people, they start throwing around Bible verses, confronting, judging and well, I just had to get past the point of caring so much about everyone’s opinion. I had to come to the point of looking at my life and saying, do I want to live every day of my life hiding who I am? Well, I didn’t want to live like that. I didn’t want to live as a straight man if that goes against everything I feel and have the need for.
One of my turning points, which I acknowledge often, is that I didn’t deliberately choose to be attracted to men. This point is one that many people that condemn homosexuals don’t understand. Yes, they believe it is wrong, but I hardly ever see one of them wanting to sympathize, talk and understand what goes in inside. I am thankful that most of my close friends, who are devoted Christians, responded well when I told them: I love Jesus and I like men. My best friend was sincerely happy with the news, he was able to see how coming into terms with this had made me very happy. Not only that but he wanted to know more, he wanted to understand what I was going through, he wanted, as always, to be fully invested in the life of his best friend. For that, I am immensely grateful.
It’s been a long day, I’m about to sleep and for some reason I was thinking about my childhood. I was never a fan of cars. There was a time when I started collecting cars but just because I wanted to keep hot wheels in their boxes so when I grew up I could sell them and be rich. Didn’t happen.
But, I always liked action figures. Especially Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But again, it should’ve been a warning sign for my parents that I didn’t only want the figures, I also wanted the house, the van, the awesome blimp. I was addicted. All I wanted were TMNT action figures. My favorite, now that I think about it, was Casey Jones. He was a badass that befriended the turtles, athletic, handsome, wearing a hockey mask like a total badass. And those jeans… oh those nicely fitted jeans. What can I say, I was a little attracted to him. Oh well, I guess even back then I was a tiny gay.
I cannot stay silent. I, as many others, hid who I really was. I was always taught that my attraction for men was wrong, that it was unnatural and that it could be changed. As a Christian, I attempted everything I could to try and change myself. It did not take. But some things changed in my life and I realized that being gay is not a decision I made, therefore I would not live hiding something in my life just for others to be happy. Freedom happened. Read the whole spill, or most of it at least, here.
I know that there are many going through what I went through. I know of the nights of sorrow, the fight in your souls for something that you didn’t choose and are unable to change.
Sadly, many decide a swift exit, believing that taking their own lives will make things better. There are other options. Life is meant to be lived! Find someone, talk about what you are going through! Talk to me, send me an email. I want to hear your story!
This is just the beginning!