In the many years that I struggled with being gay and Christian one of my biggest fears was having a “straight” future. You see, I have been in relationships with girls, with one of those girls I thought I was going to end up getting married and having cute little babies. When I was with my girlfriends I felt good, I felt like things were going to work. I liked and enjoyed the experiencience, the kissing and all that. But there was a little problem, when I wasn’t with them, whenever I got home I would think of guys. Even though I enjoyed my time with them, it was hard for me to see myself being intimate with a girl. I know life is not all about sex, but it is hard to be with someone knowing that you are not sexually attracted to them, therefore will never to satisfy them or be satisfied in the future. So, my longest relationship, which went on for a couple of years ended for some other reasons.
The next relationship didn’t last long, because my struggle in knowing who I was got stronger. I could not handle the thought of being someone’s husband, promising to give them my all when that was obviously not gonna happen. There was a big disconnection. We stayed as friends, the first few months were difficult, she was upset, because, well I was quite the catch. Kidding. But, remember I’m gay, so I was very into details, giving her surprises and stuff. That works. I kept in communication with her even though her husband is not too fond of me. A few months ago I had the talk with her. I, again, told her I am sorry for how the things went down. Then I came out, I told her that I was gay and I just couldn’t stay in that relationship. I would rather have her suffer a little by breaking up than get into a marriage of pain that most likely would end in disaster. She was incredibly happy for me. Her reaction really touched my heart.
Here is my thing. I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t get married to a girl, promise to love her and give her everything, because I know that I am attracted to men and sooner or later, that is gonna creep up. I am not okay with the thought of being with her and all of a sudden discovering that she is not what I want, destroying her and maybe even children if there were any.
Christian culture wants me to get married soon. My Christian friends, that still don’t know I’m gay, ask me all the time if I have a girlfriend. I don’t and never will have one. Been there, done that. I love and respect women and this is my way of honoring them, hopefully my friends will find men that will respect them and give them the love that they deserve. Oh well, hopefully I will find one like that too.