Category: My Life

Stay positive when hate knocks on your door

Stay positive when hate knocks on your door
I’ve always tried to stay positive no matter what comes at me. My dad always said that I wake up in the mornings with the biggest smile on my face. As years pass by I have remained a pretty positive person. When bad things happen I usually try to see something good that will come off it, and I try to move on. When I hear people talking about really “hating” someone because something they did or say I feel relieved that I don’t feel like that towards anybody. Even though the word hate is not one I use all the time, I have used it for some things I really dislike, but that’s not my norm. I try to not give space to any hate in my life.

This morning I had a dream that I was visiting someone from my past and well, it was not great. I woke up upset and realized that because of a dream, a tiny seed of discontent towards that person was trying to find a place in me. Yes, this person, with whom I was very close about 10 years ago basically cut all communication when rumors of me being gay started to spread. It was an interesting time when my calls were not answered, not that there were many. But there never has been an altercation that would make me hate that person, it was a dream, a passing thought trying to shake me from my place and make me feel something towards someone I have no interest in feeling.

Every moment of the day we will see things, hear things, think things that will try to shake our very foundation. We will see things done to us or others that will provoke hatred in our hearts, but we shouldn’t let our surroundings determine how we act or feel towards people. Some of these things will merit a strong negative action, but in most cases a negative reaction will just snowball into more negativity that will end up hurting you and whoever else stands in the way.

I’m still learning and I realize that many will not understand and will even try to come after me because I decided to live a happy life that happens to be seen as a bad thing for them.

You are the owner of your thoughts and life and only you can give permission for negative thoughts to work within you. Don’t do it. Be happy and enjoy your life. Hate is not worth it.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

Gay Christian: A daily test of tolerance, love and respect

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I am thankful that through the years I have developed somewhat of a tough skin. I am constantly put to the test because not only am I am homosexual, I also identify myself as a Christian. Many say this can’t happen,  but yes I’m a gay Christian.

I’ve been attracted to men in secret for as long as I can remember, publicly for just a couple of years. This means that most of the people in my past knew me as a “normal” guy and even if there were assumptions of me being a homosexual, I was a Christian, so of course I couldn’t be gay.

While things seem to be quickly changing on people’s understanding of homosexuals, there are still many who think that being gay is something people can choose and that by saying “I am gay” they are rejecting God. I don’t think like that because I can’t afford to think like that. Why? Simple, because many years ago I chose God and well, he has been good to me.

It is very easy to repeat something you have been taught without giving it a second thought. It is simple to state that loving another man is wrong, when you don’t care enough.

Day after day I see God-loving Christians, many who I know personally, expressing their thoughts on how evil and perverse homosexual relationships are. Some of them, I know as a fact, have never bothered to understand, because they were taught being gay is wrong so it must be condemned, criticized, talked about. Where is God’s love in that? Is this one of God’s new main topics?

Every day I have to decide. I have to choose love over hatred. Tolerance over disrespect. I have to choose to live standing strong on my beliefs and what I have experienced, while I respectfully try to disregard the misinformed opinions of others. There is hope. A close friend, who is a Christian, was ecstatic when I came out to him, because he now had a gay friend who could help him understand what being gay is like. We need more friends like that.

Tolerance, love and respect. We all need them.

Tonight we celebrate Valentine’s cooking Dim sum and having fun

This is me and my boyfriend Mark at different, very happy stages of our relationship.
This is me and my boyfriend Mark at different, very happy stages of our relationship.

We have a fun night planned where we will be making dim sum and other Chinese deliciousness. It was Mark’s idea since he loves dim sum and lived in China for a while. Can you believe I’ve never had dim sum before I met him? I was missing out on more than I thought.

Earlier this week we went on a trek to find a Chinese Grocery store and it was quite the experience.

Hope you have a fantastic day, there’s no reason to not enjoy it, even if you are happily detached. Have fun!

2012: The year when death and love knocked on my door

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Many huge things happened last year.

I witnessed the rapid decay of my Dad’s health. He passed away two days after I left his side in Puerto Rico. I miss him very much. There’s is a space in my heart that is now filled with just memories. The memories I have to now rely on when I’m missing him too much. Thankfully, our life together filled me with so many happy moments that its not difficult to find a memory that brings a smile to my face. It still hurts when I want to pick up the phone and give him a call.

My older brother suddenly passed away. This happened a couple of months before my Dad’s death. On that night my Dad told me that this was directly connected to his own death and that I shouldn’t be surprised if it happened soon. They shared a birthday, a name, their love for motorcycles and sadly their year of death.

I was surprised by a great guy. I met Mark for the first time on my 30th birthday and ten months after that after a short Facebook chat he asked me out. From the get-go I have felt so comfortable with him, it’s a little crazy. It’s been a few months now and things are going great. I will write more about how we met soon.

The year was filled with many emotions I haven’t experienced before. Never before has death felt so close, so gut-wrenching. It makes you realize how important people really are.

It’s my plan to make this my space. The place where I vent, and chat, and talk about topics that make my brain run amok. Where I share my story, as it happened and as it happens.

These Past Few Weeks… And Children

I’ve been meaning to write for a while but haven’t really made the time for it. I have doing a little bit of traveling and also had my brother staying with me for a while which made for a great time.

I went back home for a while to take care of some family things. Thankfully, my boss allowed me to work from there which was great. During my time there I barely saw anyone I know, other than a few people from my family and two of my best friends. Why? I really don’t know. I just wanted to go and be with my family, I didn’t want to be pressured into anything, not even telling my story. It was a mental vacation, I went to the beach every single day I was there. Not necessarily to go in the water but to sit, think, relax.

I have a lot to think of, it has been a year since I came out and I have to say, this has been a weirdly great year. I didn’t know what to expect after coming out. There are many horror stories out there but I am glad that this hasn’t been my experience. As I mentioned in a previous post part of my experience has been a roller coaster, and not necessarily in a bad way. There are some things that I find myself getting over. I am getting over the fact that I am gay. Not that I am not, but being a homosexual doesn’t necessarily determine who I am. It’s just a part of my life. I don’t have the need to be the poster child for a movement, even though I want to help those that are going through the struggles that I went through. I want to show others that even when people are against them and don’t understand them there is plenty in life to be grateful for. I guess I just don’t fit in most stereotypes. I am a little too gay for my straight friends and a little to straight for my gay friends, and I am totally okay with that.

Going back to my time back home, as you know, if you have been following my posts, even though most of my family has been super supportive, mom hasn’t grasped the idea that her son is gay. She is understanding it a bit more, even though she rarely brings the subject to the table. What scares her is that she thinks that her chances to someday see me with children are gone. This is definitely something that I have thought about a lot. I told her that the fact that I am gay in no way says that I will not have children. Yes, it may be in a different way, but I believe one of my missions in life is to be a father. I’ve had a great example from my father and it is definitely something that I want to pass on.

This post has definitely been all over the place, I will gather my thoughts better next time and will post more often.

You are loved.

Like a Homosexual in a Pentecostal Church

I went to Church this week. I have to confess I haven’t been in a few months. I believe that it may be because I feel uncomfortable. Not because I’m gay but since I haven’t been in a while and it’s a different church since I moved to the area it just feels a little weird. I used to be all into Church, now I struggle. For some reason I struggle with a lot of the things I see there. I still love the idea of worshiping God among his people but I always find myself asking if some of the things I see are necessary.

Let me make something clear. I know that having connections with people that are antigay is a big no-no in the gay community. Just a while ago the guy from Toms Shoes got in trouble, mainly with the gays, for being part of a Focus on the Family event. I really don’t think about those things much, mainly because his vision is to help others. For his organization, he needs all the help he can get. From everyone.

I know how some of these “Christians” groups can be. I went to a prominent Bible School in Dallas. And believe me, being gay was not a good thing there. Let’s just say that Cindy Jacobs was a frequent speaker. If you have heard of her you get the point. I was in that school for a couple of years. Should I hate those people because of part of their “message”? I don’t think that will be the right response. I am by no means perfect, but I came from a place in my life where people where judged and condemned (for being gay), now that I’m finally out of that place and happy, should I move into a place where I can judge and condemn those that say being gay is wrong. I will not. A life based in judgment and condemnation will not allow me to experience the goodness that God has for me.

It saddens me that the gay community calls others out for being intolerant but we are highly intolerant to the views of others. I would not be surprised that many in the gay community will frown when they hear my background because of being so involved with some Christian ministries who are highly intolerant of gay people. It’s all good for me. Yes, that part of their message is damaging but I choose to not focus on that. Does this make me their biggest fan and applaud their efforts? Of course not.

The thing is that being openly gay has allowed me a freedom, happiness and nearness to God that I didn’t have before. Why should I choose to fight because others don’t believe what I believe. And yes, most of my closest friends are strong Christians and thankfully the way I live life as a gay man has allowed them to see something that they were not expecting. They were misinformed on what gay people are and I love when in our conversations they understand that they were wrong in judging all gays for the attitude of a few. Now, as a gay Christian I can only wish that this will also happen with the gays I know, that they will understand and not judge all Christians for the way a few act.

I really don’t know where the Church I visited today stands in the “Gay” topic. I really don’t care. I enjoyed being there with my brother, my best friend and his wife. I enjoyed the worship music and the message, and the church even had free coffee, so win-win-win.

 

The Dating Rollercoaster of a Gay Newbie

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I’m a newbie. As I have mentioned before I had been in relationship with girls but never with a guy, or even dated one. All of my relationships with girls happened after being friends with them for a while so the transition was very organic. It just happened. I was never the guy to go out and hit on girls to get in their pants… for obvious reasons. I always believed in respecting people and a big part on this is not using them to satisfy my own desires. I have always preferred solid relationships over fleeting ones, and well, we all know these are harder to find.

When I came to my senses and decided to be true to myself as a gay man a lot of things happened. Some of these things were exciting, some were scary and some taught me very important lessons. Looking back at how it all happened I can’t help but laugh. For someone that really had a hard time talking to girls, other than my friends, I was being very “successful” in the gay dating scene.

In the first few months, there was a new date basically every week. I was surprised. Very surprised. My friends were surprised. I wondered how long was that going to last. Some of my friends said that I was like a sheltered high school kid that was finally experiencing college. It felt like that. I went from not having a “romantic” life to meeting all these guys and experiencing a whole spectre of emotions and very interesting scenarios. This post would be too long if I write about what I learned in each one of them, but I will be sporadically writing about what I learned as time goes by.

You know when kids get a sugar high? They run and jump around only to crash a little afterwards? Yeah, that’s what ended up happening. I am grateful for the running around and meeting so many people so fast but I just crashed. I believe this may be because I was becoming someone I really am not. My feelings were getting too involved and to be honest I am not the type to be dating like that. One of my main problems is that deep inside what I want is a solid relationship and I tried to fit everyone I met in that box. I could’ve enjoyed the process more if I was more casual about it. My mindset should’ve been to meet someone, get a new friend and take it from there. What I was doing was meeting someone and saying: “I think this guy can be great as a partner”. After knowing him for 3.5 seconds. Crazy, I know. The worst part of this is that my wanting a relationship was so strong that I really didn’t care to know the person well enough, so I lowered my standards of what I was looking for. I know these guys were really not what I want, or need. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

Things have changed. I am over the rollercoaster period and am now taking some time to chill and relax. I am taking some time to think and reflect on what happened in the first few months of coming out. Most important I am taking some time to solidify who I am as man, period. The fact that I am openly gay now doesn’t have to change my values or the things I believed to be right. I am the same guy, but no longer carrying the burden of lying to myself about who I really am.

Peace.

Missing A Father Figure

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When it comes to people trying to figure out why someone “turned out” gay there are many theories. Some of these theories are interesting, some are sad and some leave you wondering about people’s lack of knowledge about society and how long have they been living under their comfy rock.

One of the theories that I have heard the most is that gay men are gay because they didn’t have a strong, nurturing father figure. As I come to meet more gays I realize that, yes, in some instances this is the case. But in the same way I have met others that have a solid relationship with their respective fathers. Can you imagine if everyone that had a distant or nonexistent relationship with their Dad turned out gay? We would, of course, live in a gayer world. It is sad that many people don’t have that bond with their father, but I don’t believe this can determine someone’s sexual identity.

As you are aware by now I am gay, I am a homosexual man. My relationship with my dad is one of the best, if not the best relationship I have.  We communicate often, we understand each other, we speak each others’ language. Even since I was a kid, the bond between my father and I was very strong. Not only is he a mentor in my life, guiding me in a wide variety of aspects but he provides me the nurture that you would expect from a caring father. Many times when talking to me he reflected on the strength of God’s love upon us and how his response to that love was to show me, and his other children, love in the strongest way he was able to. My father is not perfect, but in the midst of his imperfections, he showed me affection and the guidance I needed to be who I am today. I am not perfect either, but  so far I have been able to live a good, successful life and I owe that in a great part to him.

My own experience tells me that people don’t become gay because they lack a father figure. Again, there may be some cases where this factored in some way, but isn’t that the case with everything? Are all women lesbians because their relationships with their mother wan’t there? Absolutely not.

It would be good if people stopped trying to figure out why others are the way they are. If we stopped thinking “I wonder who hurt them that bad”, or, “I guess his father wasn’t there for him” or any other things to explain why people turned out the way they are. Why should we stop? Because we really don’t gain much. What if we decide to use that energy to show others that we love them? Wouldn’t it make our lives better to show love, no matter the circumstances of the past?

I am grateful for my father. When I told him I was gay he was incredibly supportive. After telling him I also quickly told him “Dad, the fact that I am gay doesn’t take away the fact that I will some day be a father, and I aspire to be as great a father to my children as you have been to me“.

I know fatherlessness can be a scary and painful thing to endure that can bring many emotional issues in a person’s life. I know some may not relate to my experience, straight and gay alike, but I wish that in some way I can help others who have struggled or are struggling with this in their lives.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad! **10 seconds**

“It’s Very Cool that I Have a Gay Brother”

I was only 13 years when my Mom had my little brother. I was ecstatic. From that moment on he has been my baby. I really spoil him but he’s a good kid and deserves it. He is sixteen now, almost a grown man. He came to visit me for Christmas and I wanted so bad to tell him I was gay. We have always been super close and I really had no idea how he was gonna react. One of the things that gave me some comfort was that he is a huge fan of Neil Patrick Harris, so that was going to help.

The fact that I am his role model was making me hesitate a little, because I know that being gay doesn’t change the fact that I am a good example. But the question was: Does he know that? Has society affected him in a way that such news would change his perspective of me?

So, when he was here visiting during Christmas I took him for a ride and told him: There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you and it is very important for me that you know because you are one of the people that I love most in the world. And, well, here it is, I like men.

His response: Cool!

From then we went on talking about other topics like nothing had happened. It was great to know that I didn’t have to hide anything from him and that at the age of 16 he was so open with his big brother, the one he looks up to, being gay.

Fast forward a few months and while I was watching TV I randomly received a text message: “It’s really cool that I have a gay brother”.

For some reason that text message hit me hard. I believe it was because nothing from my side prompted it. I didn’t ask in order to receive it. I wasn’t in a conversation with him. He was thinking about it back home, and what he thought was good. I love my brother and you have no idea how much I love him. He helps me see life different and not give in to some of the ridiculous lifestyles that come before me. He is one of the reasons I want to be the best man I can be.

Ta mo paui

 

Gay and Christian: It’s never as horrible as I expected it to be

IMG_9002It happened again. I talked to a very close friend which didn’t know I was gay. She lives far and we mainly communicate on Facebook chat so since I haven’t seen her in person in a while I didn’t see the opportunity presenting itself. I’ve been wanting to tell her, mainly because I have come out to my closest friends. There was a little fear of telling her, it could have been because she’s a Christian withe beliefs I know too well, or maybe the fact that… I was her Youth pastor.

The few minutes before coming out to someone are always the same for me. A little bit of fear, a little bit of excitement, a lot of thoughts running through my head. What if she rejects me? What if this hinders the love we have for each other? What if this creates a barrier to our friendship? What will she say? What will I respond?

And there I went with my common line to my Christian friends. I love Jesus and I like guys. No response. The little green light on Facebook next to her name was still on. But nothing. Thirty seconds passed. A minute. My brain started racing to what could be happening… and then Boom!

Her response was literally this: OooooooMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

A smile, a sigh of relief, followed by a very nice conversation. It’s like I had told her I just bought her a new dress or as if I had complimented her hair. It usually goes like these: This is who I am, this is how I feel, she is happy for me, she loves me and then we talk about cute guys. Win-Win.

I really consider myself a very optimistic person but my mind plays tricks on me when I’m coming out to someone I care for. It has never been as bad as I thought, actually all of these stories have been great, well except for one. But I’ll write about that one later.

Have fun and remember most things that make us anxious or distraught never end up happening the horrible way our brain tricks us to believe they will.

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